Psycho Babble.

Many realisations occur during the transition between adulthood and maturity. I am not naive enough to believe that this journey is over for me as there are numerous challenges and joys that I am yet to experience.

It is a strange feeling to find yourself able to make what may seem like ‘wise’ comments on life and how we see others. Amusingly my own search for inner calm and a normal state of self esteem often leads to the evaluation of my relationship with other people and other influences in my life,

Whilst watching Lost and considering the plight of Charlie in episode 15 (sorry if you’re not there yet, I promise not to give too much away) I realised that we all have moments in our lives where key words and phrases stick into our mind. For Charlie the phrase “you’ll never look after anyone” led to some drastic and perhaps ill-advised action in a mythical jungle.

As life is learning experience perhaps it is important to recognise that there are voices in our head. No people! Not whispering present tense voices but the voices from the memory banks of childhood and our early adult experiences, which influence our actions and behaviours many years later. I wonder how many of use even realise which events it has been that has created and shaped us into who we are and perhaps who we’ll become.

Many phrases used to spend time rolling around in my head. Most of them are gone now; even the ones I couldn’t hear consciously. However, I can clearly remember my mum being rather unsympathetic to my tears when I had fallen out with my friends. (I guess that she would be unable to recall this event as to her, it would seem insignificant.) She said the following words that proved later to become immortal and forever embedded into my psyche.

“Well you are a bit bossy Selena”.

I am sure that there are certain folks who will currently be laughing (LOM) and perhaps even agreeing with my mother of almost 8 years ago. The thing that is least funny about this is that this one comment has formed the basis of a major insecurity that I have held for years.

I am a very caring person and I’m allowed to say that. (There is absolutely nothing wrong with positively affirming a good self-esteem. ) I am allowed to say that because every day I know that I make a difference to hundreds of people. My job makes sure of that and my relationships with my friends confirm it.

Sometimes my care for others develops into a sense of enthusiasm for their comfort and well being that is rather intense! But all of this intensity and the focusing of my energy usually yield results that are desirable for the party’s concerned.

It is strange that this voice is still echoing my head, It was there when JFO had that little ‘chat’ with me in his office. It’s there every time LOM makes a joke about me trying to control. It’s there when I feel that twinge of insecurity which tells me not to call and back off. It’s all very strange.

Hopefully, no one will get hurt ( poor ol’ Charlie)

I do know that once you let that little memory leave usually the funny, negative feelings leave with it. I’ve learned to do that a lot over the last few years. Confidence can help to achieve an awful lot. I stop saying, “I’m crazy” as an excuse for my behaviour, I’ve stopped not accepting compliments (although it took me nearly 6 months to learn to say thank you without feeling like a fraud) and I’ve learnt to stop saying “I can’t… ” This has even, contrary to the belief of an anonymous commenter, helped me to learn to spell much better than I used to.

1 Comment

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  1. SpanAir 14 years ago

    They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
    They may not mean to, but they do.
    They fill you with the faults they had
    And add some extra, just for you.

    But they were fucked up in their turn
    By fools in old-style hats and coats,
    Who half the time were soppy-stern
    And half at one another’s throats.

    Man hands on misery to man.
    It deepens like a coastal shelf.
    Get out as early as you can,
    And don’t have any kids yourself.

    (Philip Larkin – He went to Hull you know)

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